Personal Essay
The Problem with Starting Over
After You’ve Been Treated Badly
“Keep your heart open,” “don’t be too picky,” “give people a chance,” are the words of advice I often hear. I also hear the tales of people who fell in love on a whim, trusting their hearts completely after first meeting “the one.” When I ask them how they knew, it was often something as simple as, “he was the one at the dance who knew how to swing me,” or, “he was exactly what I imagined — tall, dark, and handsome, but also gentle.”
I’ve heard and witnessed strong love stories across the spectrum, about immediate attraction, and trust, almost at first sight. And other stories about love, and sex, only after a cautious months-long waiting period. I’ve heard about an “I love you” that waited two patient years to be reciprocated. Imagine the trust and faith that requires…
The thing is, my heart was once wide open, too. But betrayal in a multitude of ways, and by repeated men (I’m cis-hetero), has had a tendency to nudge that door closed.
And yet…every potential partner expects us to come to them with an open heart and no baggage. “No drama,” is heard so frequently that it’s become a joke. What does that even mean? To me, it means we’re not allowed to feel all of the things our hearts naturally feel — not if we want…
