What Holds Two People Together?

Happy is the man who finds a true friend — and far happier is that man who finds a true friend in his wife — Franz Schubert

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Nine years after our split, seven years after our divorce, I’m struck by how much my former spouse and I have in common, then, and now. We were together for thirty years before our marriage fell apart. Which is why nearly everyone says, incorrectly, “people grow apart, they have separate interests, and they develop different ideas of what they want from life.” I believe that, at best, only a third of this stereotype is true. And I suspect he knows it, too.

I will never know the deep inner workings of my ex’s mind, since he didn’t share much with me for the better part of three decades. For my part, I just wanted him to love me, and he didn’t, and wouldn’t. My husband didn’t speak any of the five love languages, at least not to me. Even my dog spoke three. This doesn’t mean that my husband is a terrible person. He wasn’t — he isn’t. But he was pretty determined to avoid showing or telling me that he loved me. He believed that he “didn’t want a partnership,” and then was devastated when his wish came true. But like so many divorced older men, his first action after our separation was to find another partnership — and he began living with her several years before…